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CRL: I’d like to welcome Mr. Johnson, and I’d also like to say thanks for taking the time to do this interview, I know you must be a busy man.
Special Agent, please and thank you. I didn’t go through all that training through the Bureau of Investigation, Observation and Defense of Extraordinary, Extraterrestrial, Demonic and Paranormal Activity, not to mention all the follow-on specializations at Miskatonic University just to be called mister.
CRL: Excuse me, Special Agent Johnson, can you tell us a little about yourself?
Of course, although it’s probably going to bore your readers. I grew up with a normal childhood, run of the mill kind of life really. My father was an angel and I never knew my mother. I’ve heard nice things about her though. The Bureau raised me, forging me into this raw-steel stud muffin before you. So yeah, nothing too special I guess.
CRL: Sounds exciting and strange, not really normal at all. So you grew up under the Bureau’s care? What was that like?
I suppose it was like a boarding school of sorts, but instead of scary nun’s wielding weapons grade rulers, there were scary para-military instructors wielding weapons grade…well…weapons. The scariest (and prettiest if you ask me) was Professor Antoinette Huxby. She was in charge of teaching about Demonic Sorcery 101. At some point I suppose she had become possessed by an ancient Assyrian demon who liked to be called, Bubba. She was hot as hell, but had a temper that could warp titanium, know what I mean?
CRL: Actually, no I don’t. Did you have many friends growing up with the Bureau?
Not in the traditional sense. I tried to make friends with the other children in the program, but it was discouraged. Although, I did get everyone to go trick ‘r’ treating for Halloween one year. I dressed up as XXXXX(Reference was omitted at Special Agent Johnson’s request, citing it would be dangerous to mention his name too many times, and didn’t want to get his attention).
CRL: I’m not too familiar with XXXXX.
Think of a flaming booger with many sets of teeth. Amazing how many folks at the Bureau had dentures. I’m still banned from the cafeteria for that stunt. Totally worth it though, although I do miss Taco Tuesday.
CRL: Who wouldn’t? Anyway, what’s with the wardrobe choices? I mean, Crocs and a trench coat made of duct tape? Kind of stands out doesn’t it?
Are you serious? Don’t judge until you walk a mile. These are the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever worn. I keep trying to get the company that makes them to build a set that look and function like combat boots. They stopped responding to me after the 10th or 15th time though. Or maybe it was the special thank you package I sent to them. There isn’t an end-date on the no-contact order, so I’m not sure when I can start writing again. As for the coat, if you had one you’d understand. Duct tape can fix anything, sometimes even space and time if you know what you’re doing.
CRL: I’ll have to take your word for it. Any plans on retiring? It looks like you’ve been around the block or two.
You aren’t very subtle are you, could have just said I look old. Part of this sexy look is due to the mileage. If you had seen the things I have, you’d look just as bad, let me tell you. Plus, I heard people die when they retire, I’ve seen the movies. Two weeks to retirement is basically a death sentence. No sir, no way. I’m playing it safe.
CRL: Let’s make this interesting, if you could tell your writer anything about yourself that would turn the direction of the plot, what would it be?
Breaking the fourth wall eh, bold move. I’d have to tell him not to let me access the “secret” pocket of my coat. It could change everything!
CRL: What does that mean? What’s in there?
CRL: I see, well thank you for taking the time to answer these questions. Any closing remarks?
Yeah, thanks a lot, this has been a hoot. I also want to give a public service announcement. Most accidents in the workplace are related to tripping hazards. If you find a potential hazard, use a Bureau Form 453 to document/report it through your chain of command. Also, don’t use necromancy, not even one time. It’s a gateway sorcery. The Bureau has some excellent informational pamphlets on the subject.